


If Found, Please Contact Nearest Disaster

by weaponizedsoul



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen, They-meet-on-a-train AU, also there's a cute rat, an actual first draft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-03 00:29:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10955943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weaponizedsoul/pseuds/weaponizedsoul
Summary: Todd is maybe not the best person to be in charge of a train where people keep hearing strange noises and finding weird messages in their food. Or a train Dirk Gently is on. Or a train, in general.Written for the 2017 dghda Beginner Bang, with art by thestrangewhite here: http://thestrangewhite.tumblr.com/post/160884577784/if-found-please-contact-nearest-disaster-by





	If Found, Please Contact Nearest Disaster

Todd's day didn't start out bad. It started worse, and got worser, and when that was a sentence that could apply to any day of your life, you knew you were screwed. The train wasn't likely to break down, but it also wasn't likely not to. It wasn't likely to rain, but it also wasn't likely to be a nice day. Todd had been able to avoid having to work Seattle-bound trains so far, but this time, as soon as the train set off there would be no way to avoid it. It was hard not to see that as an omen. So, when you added all that to the general bad that was Todd's life, it tended to result in some pseudo-altercations.

"Can I take that to the baggage area for you ma'am?" Todd asked.

The old woman, who was carrying a ridiculously enormous leather bag-like thing, smiled at him and said, "I'd rather keep it, thank you."

She was an archetypal little old lady. She had fluffy white hair, she was wearing reading glasses, and she was about half the size of her bag. How had she even carried it onto the train?

"Well, your bag is too big to fit in the luggage rack," Todd pointed out.

"I'll just keep it here on my lap, no need to worry."

"It might bother whoever's sitting next to you. Just let me put it in the baggage net, please."

"I'm sure he won't mind," the old woman said, well, assuredly. Strangely assuredly, actually.

"Well ... if whoever it is complains you'll have to put it somewhere else. Ma'am."

Two people farther down the train car were arguing over a seat, and after Todd got that figured out, he just wanted to get something to eat. The train had left the station by then, and everyone looked settled enough, so he headed for the "cafe". The man at the counter was tapping his fingers on the countertop and looking nervously around the car. He jumped a little when Todd went up to the counter, but didn't shortchange him or give him the wrong food. In fact, he put Todd’s slice of pizza in a paper bag when he’d finished heating it up.

It was a little hard to get the pizza out of the bag, because the cheese had gotten stuck to the paper, and when Todd finally shook it out onto the table, something else fell out and rolled onto the floor. Todd picked it up. It was a long piece of paper that looked like it had been printed out of an old label maker. The letters were faded brown and they said, “You spend too much time. You’re going to go temporally bankrupt”. Todd brought it over to the man at the counter.

“Did you, uh, lose this?” he asked.

The man, Carl going by his nametag, shook his head vehemently.

“Nope. Never seen it.”

Todd wasn’t sure what to say to that.

“I mean, it could have gotten in there? Somehow,” Carl continued, a little bitterness creeping into his voice. “It’s just the other guy, the guy who’s supposed to be doing this shift, he got fired like last month, and I guess they haven’t replaced him, or something, because they just keep giving me shifts.”

He smiled, in a decidedly un-smiley way.

“Can they do that?” Todd asked.

“I mean, they’re doing it now, so.”

Carl shrugged.

“So you have no idea what this is?” Todd said.

“Nope. Just looks weird though, it’s probably like a note or something. I don’t even have a label maker.”

Todd went back to his table. He was pretty sure Carl was lying, but it wasn’t like he knew how to get someone to tell the truth. And the note he’d gotten wasn’t that bad. You could call it an insult, he guessed, but mostly it was just … weird. Arbitrary, that was a word for it. It didn’t really have anything to do with him in particular. Carl had probably just made a weird embarrassing note thing and accidentally put it in a food bag. That made sense, sort of.

Well, it made sense until a passenger went up to him later that day with a note that said “Fish are imaginary. Especially Halibut”. And another with one that said “Why are you hitting yourself”. And another with three that said “Ampersand”, “Kit-kat”, and “Somewhere under the rainbow”. Carl just looked at them blearily and didn’t say anything. Todd made an announcement telling everyone to ignore the strange notes and that staff was “dealing with it”, and spent the rest of the day investigating a strange scratching noise people kept hearing.

Finally, finally, the cafe closed and most of the passengers fell asleep. Todd wandered aimlessly up and down the train for a while before deciding he wasn’t going to be needed anytime soon and he could catch some sleep somewhere inconspicuous. He ended up at the closed cafe car. Of course. Well, it was quiet. He leaned against the door and closed his eyes.

There was a rustling noise inside the car. Todd opened his eyes and slowly turned around to look through the window in the door. It was dark inside the car, but the light from the windows lit up the bright yellow jacket the man behind the counter was wearing. His back was to the rest of the car, and he was searching through the packages of sandwiches and hot dogs like he was looking for something that wasn't a sandwich or a hot dog. Todd wondered briefly if it was a label maker before dismissing the thought. This person was breaking and entering. He was probably looking for money. Todd opened the door and walked quietly up to the counter.

"Hey!" he said.

The man squeaked and whirled around, knocking a cascade of plastic-wrapped food off the shelves behind him. When he caught sight of Todd, his almost cartoonish dismayed expression relaxed.

"This car is closed now," Todd continued awkwardly.

The man smiled.

"Sorry, got lost," he said brightly.

"Wh-- lost?"

"Yes, and then I got distracted." The man clambered over the counter. "Don't you think it's strange that all the food in this car has to be served hot?"

"No," Todd said. "Listen, Mr--?"

"Dirk Gently."

Dirk held out a business card. Todd took it, then stuffed it in his uniform pocket without reading it.

"You need to go back to your seat, or sleeper car, or -- you can't be in here right now," he said.

Dirk nodded blithely.

"Of course. I was just going there now," he said.

Dirk made his way toward the door. After a moment of hesitation, Todd followed him.

"Just making sure you get where you're going," he said in response to Dirk's expression.

"Ah," Dirk said.

"You broke into a locked car," Todd pointed out as he followed Dirk into a mostly empty economy car.

Dirk paused.

"It was locked?" he asked.

Well, that would explain how he'd apparently just wandered in, but --

"Then what were you doing behind the counter?" Todd asked

"I told you, I got distracted. There are some very interesting things happening on this train." Dirk said.

"I don't know what you count as 'interesting'," Todd mumbled uneasily.

“You must have noticed,” Dirk said. “Strange messages in the food, odd noises, those monopoly pieces --”

“What?” Todd interrupted.

“It’s all very passive-aggressive,” Dirk continued.

Dirk sat down when they got to the empty seat next to the old lady with the huge bag.

"See?" Dirk said, looking up at Todd. "I'm in my seat now."

“Wait, this is your seat?” Todd asked.

That explained why the old woman had been so sure the person sitting next to her wouldn’t complain about it. Dirk didn’t seem like the type.

“Whose else would it be?” Dirk said, seeming genuinely clueless.

“No one’s, it’s just -- never mind,” Todd said, and walked away quickly. He really needed to sleep.

***

The next day, Todd decided to talk to Farah Black. Farah was a security officer. She normally worked on this train, but sometimes she was assigned to others, and on Todd’s first day, she’d helped him deal with a violent passenger (“helped” meaning Todd had gotten a black eye and Farah had arm locked the guy and emerged without a scratch). Todd ordered breakfast in the dining car and headed over to where Farah was sitting with a cup of coffee. Farah looked a little surprised to see him, but she motioned for him to sit down across from her.

“So,” Todd asked awkwardly, “have you seen anyone kind of suspicious around … wearing a yellow jacket? Like, bright yellow.”

“That’s Dirk,” Farah said immediately. “He’s on this train a lot. How did you meet him?”

“He -- he was in the cafe last night,” Todd said wearily. “He said he got lost or something.”

Farah sighed.

“He does that,” she said. “It’s like he’s sleepwalking, but he’s awake. At least I think he’s awake.”

“He said the door was unlocked, too. Or he didn’t notice it being locked,” Todd said. “And it seems kind of weird, those notes and then someone breaking into the same car.”

“Things like that … happen. Around Dirk,” Farah said. “We should talk to him.”

She stood up abruptly and started making her way to the exit, leaving her coffee behind. Todd hastily ate a few more bites of his food, then hurried across the dining car to join Farah. She walked very quickly.

“Do you know where his seat is?” she asked, then said under her breath, “No, of course he wouldn’t, why would he?”

“Actually,” Todd said, “I remember where it is. I, uh, wanted to make sure he didn’t break into any of the other cars or steal a lightbulb or -- I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Todd led them both through the line of passenger cars. He debated telling Farah about the old woman, and how it was weird that Dirk’s seat was next to hers, but he couldn’t figure out why it was weird, so he just asked, “Who is he?”

“Some kind of detective?” Farah answered. “Most of the time he’s just a passenger, but the first time I saw him on this train, someone stole a suitcase from the luggage net and replaced it with a microwave. Dirk found out who it was. He didn’t use any actual investigative techniques though.”

Before Todd could say anything about that, they reached Dirk’s seat. It was empty. The old woman was still there though, and Farah shook hands with her professionally.

“Agatha,” she said. “It’s good to see you again.”

Agatha returned the greeting and then turned to Todd.

“Mr. Brotzman, I’ve been thinking, and I’d like you to put my bag in the baggage area now,” she said.

“Did -- did Dirk complain about it?” Todd asked.

“No, no of course not,” Agatha said. “He’s such a nice young man. But now that I’ve met him I don’t want to be a bother to him. Just make sure no one steals it again.”

Todd nodded, and Agatha handed him the bag. It wasn’t as heavy as it looked, but it was very unwieldy. Farah helped Todd carry it to the luggage net.

“Her suitcase was stolen before?” Todd asked idly.

“It was the one Dirk found,” Farah answered.

Todd paused.

“That’s … a coincidence. I mean, your seats are assigned when you get your ticket. And they didn’t get on the train together.”

Farah nodded, her eyebrows drawn together. Then her walkie-talkie turned on. She brought it up to her ear and listened to the unintelligible static for a few seconds, then said, “Dirk’s in the freezers.”

She hurried down the train, Todd following behind her. One of the cooks let them into one of the freezers where the food was kept. Dirk Gently was there, trying to reach something behind a shelf. Just as they entered, he turned around with a blinding grin on his face and a small rat in his hand.

“Hi!” he said.

“Dirk, what are you doing with that rat?” Farah asked quietly.

“I found it in here!” Dirk answered. “And it’s very important. This rat is the key to the whole case. I couldn’t have solved it without it.”

“You’re saying it belongs to someone?” Farah asked. “But there aren’t any pet carriers on this train. You can’t just bring a rat -- it’s against regulations and -- I’m sure someone would have noticed.”

“People were hearing noises all day yesterday,” Todd said. “But wait, does that mean -- what does that mean?”

“Something is going to happen later,” Dirk said. He started moving towards the door of the freezer. “When we get to the second to last stop. Right before then, you two can talk to the cafe person, and I’ll get the other suspect, and we’ll meet at the door to my train car. I’ve always wanted to do this!”

“Wait, Dirk --” Farah said, at the same time that Todd asked, “Wait, what other suspect?”

Dirk had already left. The cook shrugged and led Todd and Farah out into the dining car.

***

About half an hour before the train pulled into Tacoma, Farah and Todd headed for the cafe car.

“Why are we doing this?” Todd asked.

“Dirk -- it might be too much to say he knows what he’s doing, but he’s figured out this kind of thing before,” Farah answered. “He’s actually a pretty good detective. If he is a detective.”

When Carl saw Farah heading towards the cafe counter, he flinched and stood up.

“Is this about the labels?” he asked.

“Yes,” Farah said. “I need you to come with me.”

Carl nodded and quickly walked out from behind the counter.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“You’ll see,” Farah said.

As they walked to the door of Dirk’s train car, Carl started to look less scared and more confused. Dirk wasn’t there when they arrived, and they had to wait for more than fifteen minutes while everyone who walked past looked at them oddly. Finally, only a few minutes before the train was scheduled to arrive at the station, Dirk walked up to where they were standing. Agatha was walking behind him, holding the rat.

“The other suspect,” he said cheerfully.

Farah narrowed her eyes.

“You brought this rat onto the train?” she asked.

“Mr. Gently told me not to say anything until everyone was here,” she said. “But yes.”

Todd grabbed Dirk’s arm.

“You’re seriously doing this? The whole ‘detective gets all the suspects in a room’ thing?” he asked.

Dirk nodded enthusiastically.

“How can you even be sure something’s going to happen at this station?” Todd continued.

“Because this station is the one on my ticket,” Dirk answered seriously.

Todd turned to Farah.

“Should -- was that supposed to make sense?”

Farah shrugged. The train reached the station. Todd was half prepared for Dirk to just jump out of the train as soon as the doors opened and leave them all standing there awkwardly, but instead, a tall man about the same age as Carl walked into the train, and Carl said, “Reggie?”

Reggie looked at him, then at Dirk, then started sprinting down the train car. Farah kicked his legs out from under him and planted her foot on his back.

“This is the man who stole Agatha’s bag,” she said, turning to Todd.

“Oh really,” Agatha said. “I’ve never seen him before.”

“But he can’t be the one behind all of this,” Todd said.

“Only in a technical sense,” Dirk confirmed, and then, all at once, everyone’s eyes were on him. “Reggie never liked Carl. So he decided to frame him for something -- a theft. What he intended to do was take a bag from the luggage net, take something out of it, put something in it or on it that would lead to Carl, and then put it back where he had found it. And, to make sure nobody noticed the bags in different places than they had been, he planned to replace the bag with a microwave, which he had access to because he worked in the cafe. The bag he picked, though, was a lot bigger that it had initially looked. But he had to work as quickly as possible, so he made the switch anyway. That was how we found him. He returned the money to the bag, but he left in the item he had planned to use to frame Carl.

“This started off a chain reaction he hadn’t anticipated. Agatha found the item, but since she knew the thief had already been caught, it didn’t mean what it was supposed to. It was a faceless antagonization, and it meant she had to retaliate -- but she had no way of knowing who to retaliate to. So she did something equally as vague, and Carl, who was already feeling a little paranoid, saw it as targeting him. Which it was, in a way, but not really. So he retaliated, and so on, until yesterday. Agatha had narrowed the field of suspects down to the people who worked with food, and that was why she brought the rat.

“Reggie went back to the train because it had developed a reputation for odd happennings, and since a lot of them had to do with food, he thought he might be able to resume his plan to get Carl fired. Is that, basically, what happened?”

Reggie just stared at him. Carl said, “Uh. Yeah.” Agatha nodded. Dirk looked like he was trying not to look surprised.

“Well, I’m sure you can handle this from here,” he said less cheerfully than usual, and walked off of the train.

Todd turned to Farah.

“Is it usually like that?” he asked.

“It wasn’t last time,” Farah answered. “This was the end of a case, I guess.”

***

Farah had to let Reggie go. He’d bought a ticket, and he hadn’t had the time to do anything illegal. Nobody was sure if Carl had done anything illegal, and they weren’t sure what to call what Agatha had done. In the end it turned out to be pretty inconsequential. Just people being people. Todd did confiscate all of Carl’s notes, though. He put them in one of the paper bags and took them to his tiny hotel room. Just out of curiosity, he closed his eyes and picked one at random.

“Bread.”

Well, what had he expected? Something more relevant, maybe. The entire case had been made of unlikely coincidences. Maybe things only worked that way around Dirk. Todd sighed and started to take his uniform jacket off when he heard something rustle in one of the pockets. It was a crumpled business card. It said, “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. If found, call this number for the whole solution to your problem.”

Todd dialed the number, not really expecting anyone to answer.

“This is Dirk Gently,” said a bright voice on the other end of the line.

What the hell, Todd thought, feeling oddly like he was crossing a line he couldn’t un-cross.

“It’s me,” he said. “What’s a holistic detective?”


End file.
